Why I’m So Bad at Meditation (and What I Learned From It)

If you are looking for meditation tips, you can probably stop reading now. This article is actually slightly anti-tips. If this makes you intrigued, which is kind of the purpose, then you can keep reading. (Yes, permission granted.)

To be, or not to be – competitive?

I never thought I was competitive. Given that I spent a considerable amount of my life avoiding competitions, it should have proved it. For example, I did not join any sports event in my entire school life despite being one of the tallest girls in my class – which means I did have lots of advantages to win. So I thought clearly I am not a competitive person. (You probably can guess at this point that this is not the case?!)

But I like to be good at doing things. I have lots of hobbies. I knit, sew, bake and cook – and I have become rather good at all of them. I would not be challenged by recipes or knitting patterns that are categorised as difficult, and I always produce something that receives compliments. Friends and family are always amazed at my skills. Imagine me presenting a cake to my family like a Nigella Lawson cooking show, yes, that was exactly my goal! This, right here, is my hidden competitive personality – which I have yet to have found out until recently. I have called it my passion for as long as I could remember.

I failed to meditate….

I started meditation a few years now. And I was never really good at it. Meditation should allow me to distance myself from my thoughts, calm my nerves, process my thoughts, and achieve tranquillity, right? I achieved none of them after practising for a few years. In fact, I spent 30-60mins regularly to do meditation in the hope of reaching nirvana. (Yes, haha, I am not joking. I imagine birds and butterflies circling over my head.) It frustrated me immensely that my mind was always focused on my petty troubles. At first, I thought I was frustrated by not getting the benefits of meditation that I desperately needed. By then, earlier this year, I listened to one of the older episodes of Dr. Chatterjee’s podcast interviewing a monk – I found out I was only frustrated because I was not good at it. I failed.

Competitiveness won – meditation lost

Ironic, isn’t it? I have never thought my competitiveness was getting in the way of my meditation practise. All my life – my motto is about putting in the effort and you will be rewarded. I taught my sons the same, even though I have plenty of examples myself telling me that this isn’t the whole truth. I somehow never doubted this approach – like I never thought I was competitive. It was quite a moment in my life to have this “awakening”. (I have waited long enough to have a chance to use this word! Finally!) The fact that my competitiveness made me desire to “quickly and properly” distance myself from my own thoughts is what is holding the thoughts in my mind. The only thing I need to do is to acknowledge the thoughts and let them go. I must admit, I have heard this instruction many times before but I never fully understood it until that moment.

My “Awakening”

I called that moment an awakening because a rush of self-reflection hit me at the same time. First, I was able to have a very different meditation session the next day. It is not stressful anymore (I told it is ironic.) Through learning to meditate, I also realised (or finally admitted) that I am actually a competitive person. I don’t compete maybe only because I can’t handle losing. And also that learning a new skill is about receiving knowledge at the right time. So is it actually a bit of luck to properly learn? Yes! But keep trying will increase your luck – I know, does it even make sense? So luck is not luck anymore?

The result of this awakening moment is what led me to start writing 6 months later. I would not have started writing without all the self-reflection I just stated. All of them – my writing would still not happen if just one of them were missing. I have explained why I stopped pursuing writing at an early age in another article. I thought I was accepting my own limitations but only just realised now that I was only afraid of failing. If I won’t be good at it, then I am not doing it. Various work and life experiences at different points of my life before this awakening moment were the knowledge I needed to use at this pivotal moment to be able to see writing as and still is an opportunity.

Effort still of course matters but, if you, like me, still haven’t seen any results after putting in the effort – be it meditation or writing, hang in there. You are not failing. You have not hit the right timing yet, just like me.